The Only Journey is the One Within
by Earane Telrunya
Summary: He had always been different from the other dwarves, but he never understood why. Something that happened in his childhood changed him, and now that it's making itself known, he has to keep it hidden, tucked away where no else will see. How is Kili supposed to make sure he stays him, and that this power deep inside stays that way, without hurting his family?Book/Movieverse no slash


The world is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper. Hidden within the things we see, and everything we do not. The mysteries of the world that will never be answered and are overlooked because of such a reason, that they are unexplainably explained by the intricate web that spans the earth and works together to create what we cannot fathom, and do not care to understand. Concealed in the changing of the leaves and the ripple of wind that gusts through a meadow, changed to a whistle of song as the same voice passes through the mountains and lifts the snow into a flurry that settles on a patch of spring flowers after performing its dance to the stars in the distance. Voices that cannot be heard unless listened for, and creatures that cherish the world in ways no common being on Arda can fully understand since the days of first beginning are all around, more than half of the known beings in this world.

Sometimes they will be seen, or heard, by a child full of curiosity and wonder, able to see the things that are far from understood because they have no desire to understand, simply the desire to know, and to learn, and to experience the full diversity of their land. And for a very few of the Valar, a race more entwined with the earth and the magic it holds than any other common being, these creatures and the power they bring are not so hard to see. And when touched by this magic, you might gain a full understanding, an inclination that there is more to life- yours and all of the ones around you, be they man or beast- than you ever thought possible. And if you are ever blessed with a gift from these fabled creatures, as very few have been since the First Age, then you will look up at the stars and see that everything is connected, from that fiery ball in the sky, once a cold and distant light to the worms beneath the blanket of moss that covers a forest floor in a green now so vibrant you would not understand how you had spent a life previous being as naive and oblivious to the vastness of everything as a newborn babe.

When gifted, as very few are, there is already something there, something that has been seen by this part of the world as special and worth giving to. There is a power already inside of you, you simply must learn how to use it.

"Can you believe this, Kili? Can you?! We are finally, _finally_, going to Erebor. To reclaim our home and be the princes we were always meant to be!"

He quietly smiled to himself, not looking up from the brown laces his fingers were swiftly and precisely winding together, repeating a motion he had done for the past several decades, ever since he had been old enough to watch his brother string his own boots together and copy the process himself until he had it down, a second nature task that he need not even think about anymore.

He couldn't help but glance up through the dark bangs that fell in his eyes with amusement at his older, more _mature, _brother, as he all but bounced in excited anticipation for the journey ahead.

"I know, Fili. It's unreal, isn't it?"

"Yes!" Fili eagerly agreed, trying, and failing, to keep his voice lower than a shout. A few of their fellows glanced over at them from where they were saddling their ponies a few yards off, and they laughed, chortling and shaking their heads at Fili's uncharacteristic display of childlike delight. Kili could not help but shake his own head at his brother's antics. He was, more often than not, the one going head over heels on the idea of leaving home and going on an adventure of any kind. Be it a trip into the forest, riding the high of recent tales and stories of the magical creatures that might live within as he, and Fili, ever present at his side, took off to see who could spot the first Nixie or Dryad. He had even considered the time they discovered a honeybee's hive in the tallest of trees on the far side of the river to be an adventure of great proportions. Such a feat it would be to singlehandedly wipeout the entire army of stinging foes with nothing but a makeshift sword of sapling branches, no shield to hold them at bay, and to conquer their kingdom, taking possession of a glorious golden treasure hidden away inside.

And even though that had gone badly from the start, the adventures of childhood would always be a fond memory of his. But much had changed since then. Much indeed.

"Why are you not excited, brother?" Fili laughed, clasping a strong, thick hand on Kili's shoulder as the younger finished tying off his other boot and straightened up, a pleasant smile fitted to his own face.

"I _am _excited, Fili. I just know how to save face and not look like a tavern regular, drunk on mead and false tales, smokin' a bit of the funny stuff every now and then, if you know what I mean." He grinned and winked, quickly ducking out of the way as Fili moved to clobber him atop his head, not fancying a welt at that moment.

"Ha, ha, ha."

Kili laughed as Fili responded dryly, giving up on his little brother and moving on to Ori, who might, at least, share a little bit more enthusiasm towards the journey than he had.

It's not that Kili _wasn't _excited, he was still pondering on exactly how he should feel about the whole thing in general, as he had ever since they left their home in the Blue Mountains. He missed his mother, that much was true, but he knew that one day this would happen. That their uncle would decide it was time to set out and reclaim their stolen kingdom. Never had he dreamed that he would be here, Thorin never showed any acknowledgment that he considered him old enough, or mature enough, to go on this quest. He had always known that Fili would go, as Thorin's heir it was his right, and duty, to follow him, wherever his footsteps might lead. And he had accepted it- never in their lives, as short or long as they may seem, had they been apart, you never found one without the other- and so, Kili knew and was prepared for the day Fili would go on without him. Now it was not, by any means, settled with him. He would have ended up following them anyway, if begging did not work first, as he had no intentions of letting Fili have all of the fun without him. The thought of being separated...it honestly frightened him. Anything could happen when they were apart, but together, nothing could touch them.

When Thorin had personally asked him to join them, Kili did not know what to think. Never before had he thought that he would be asked to go. He had foreseen himself begging and pleading with their stubborn uncle to let him tag along, that he would be 'no trouble at all' if only he were allowed to follow. But fate is a funny thing, he supposed. And when asked, he was left speechless, his mind void of any vocal answer. The only thing he could supply was a simple nod, his eyes wide and mouth slack, as if he had just been told the mountain had already been won.

And after his voice returned to him, after he had thought about what just happened, he realized that this was his chance, to finally be rid of Ered Luin and the memories that held him captive in his old home. And while many of those were fond, of his childhood training with Dwalin and Fili, warm nights before the fire with their mother, in their little house as she sang them a song of old or told them a story of ancient times, sometimes a tale of her life in Erebor before the dragon, of her brothers, Thorin and Frerin, getting into copious amounts of trouble. She swore to Mahal that her boys were just like those two had been. But many memories were not. Sadly, the isolation and pain of growing up that he had endured had effected him more than anyone suspected, and more than he would ever say.

Kili shook his head, blinking away the depressing thoughts that stole his good mood and chased away his desire to travel. They would soon be on their way and, maybe, with this distance between him and his old home, he would start to feel normal again. He couldn't remember the last time anything about him hadn't been considered strange.

"I'm telling, you, I really don't think he's coming."

The chatter about them was light-hearted and cheery, 13 dwarves and a wizard, setting out from the little pleasant town of Hobbiton and a previous night of good food, good company, and an excellent host, to begin their quest. Kili had enjoyed the Shire, or what he had seen of it. No one had been about, during their arrival, for it was in the dead of night that they came to their Burglar's doorstep, his symbol lighting the door for them all to see. Quite the party had ensued, a welcome respite after a decent amount of time on the road, kind of a last celebration before the main leg of their journey was upon them, for who knew the next time they would be able to rest without a watch, or sleep on anything but cold hard ground, surviving only on what they'd hunted or scavenged from the world around them.

"And I'm telling _you, _he'll be here. Give him a moment, we _are _on ponies after all. And I suspect that running is something he's hardly used to."

Fili snorted, patting his ponies neck as she tossed her head, and he smiled sympathetically, a mocking pity in his eyes as he joked with his brother.

"What makes you so sure he's coming, Kili?"

The brunette shrugged, his eyes trailing every which way as he absorbed the scenery, taking in the forest of ancient trees, a diverse plethora of birdsong sailing down to his ears on the warm summer wind. His bare arms prickled pleasantly in the heat of sunlight and the feeling made him smile, his jacket tucked away behind him as he found no need to be bundled like the rest of his party, whom he had always considered to be 'overdressed' in one way or another.

Fili rolled his eyes, sighed in the exasperated way he always did when Kili was bent on being cryptic, knowing that it pushed his big brother's buttons and, therefore, making it obvious he was doing so.

"Fine-be that way." Fili gathered his reins and looked around, spotting  
>Bofur ahead and preparing to go to him."I'll at least make a bet out of this."<p>

"Hey!" Kili gave him an undignified glare, shaking his bangs out of his eyes as he did so. "Wouldn't it be nice, for once, to just have a bet ourselves? You have never bet against me, Fili, it's actually quite annoying."

Fili only paused a moment, blinking in puzzled surprise before smiling at him, his white teeth dazzling in a full on grin.

"It should be obvious why not, Kee," He urged his pony forward, his last words on the matter trailing behind him to mingle with the birdsong in the air. "You're never wrong."

As true as that may have been, it made Kili no happier to watch as his brother eagerly went forward, shaking hands with Ori and Bofur, and chatting away, more than likely arguing his point on why he did not believe their Burglar would be showing up. But Kili knew Bilbo would come, he didn't know how he knew and he never did, but he knew nonetheless. Call it intuition. A whisper of wind had his hair in his face and the songs of the birds faded away, moving deeper into the forest. Kili could not help the small, triumphant smile that forced it's way onto his lips, or the small feeling of satisfaction that settled on his shoulders as Bilbo entered the woods not two miles back, the leaves on the trees rustling at the presence of a new traveler amongst them, and they welcomed the little hobbit, as they did all of the Shirefolk, with happy chatter that went from one farthing to the next.

Alright, perhaps it wasn't _just _intuition. But it's not like he could say otherwise aloud without earning him strange looks and a recommendation that Oin look him over, just to make sure he hadn't struck his head or wandered to far from the path of the sane. He remembered the first time he had mentioned the trees talking to his uncle. Fili had been there, and they both thought he was playing a game with them, Thorin reprimanded him for being too old to play such games or tricks, but when the boy insisted that they come and listen to the stories and they found him doing so not too long after, sitting and staring at the pines and great oaks for hours, they both became concerned. They had him seen by Oin and bedridden against his will. He fought and screamed, asking why no one believed him, and refused to eat for days. He became sick and eventually gave in to the sobs and pleas of his mother, apologizing and stating that he had no idea what had gotten into him. But it was a lie. He became secluded and resigned after that, keeping all of his strange new experiences to himself, knowing that if he told anyone they would think him ill. He never let them catch him listening to the trees again.

Many things had happened in his childhood that he had no ways of explaining, and no one to talk to about. He used to voice his worries to the trees, resting in the crooks of their branches like he was a bird or squirrel himself, as if that was where he belonged. He had never felt the pull of the mountains or the eminent drawing to the forge like his kin before him. He had always found reason to be outside, away from the secluded dark stone and halls that nagged at his claustrophobia and had him itching for fresh air. He must have been the only dwarf in Middle earth to have such an irrational fear of confined spaces. Once, when he was in his early teens, he had even asked his mother if he _was _a dwarf, if he had been adopted from some Edan village out of pity. The horror on her face was enough to keep him from asking again. This did not mean he rejected them, he knew who his family was, he was just searching for answers when he had no one to provide them. His lack of beard and taller lean structure that so often saw him teased and bullied left him to wonder as well. But Kili had seen to putting that all behind him years ago, though he thought of it every so often, when he was alone and left to himself. Which was becoming increasingly frequent as of late.

"Wait! Stop!"

Kili turned round in the saddle, pulling his pony to a halt along with the rest of the Company, as the small shouting form of a burglar came running to them, waving the intentionally left behind contract in the air where it trailed behind him like some sort of banner.

"I signed it!" Bilbo panted, as he triumphantly held the parchment out to Balin who quickly took to examining it with his magnifying glass.

"I signed it..." The hobbit breathed, as if more to himself than the dwarves, and Kili caught the glance he shared with their wizard, the wizened old man giving a smile, of sorts.

As Balin made sure everything was in order, Fili came up next to him, having been behind, chatting away with Nori and Dori about something or other.

"Well, would you look at that," he gave Kili a grin and the younger of the two tried not to look smug, which he never did anyway, and in his trying always managed to look somewhat sad and put down that he was right.

"Sorry you lost your bet," he mumbled, not at all sorry that Fili hadn't listened, but more so that he had been right at all.

"What do you mean, little brother?" Fili caught a small bag of coins that was tossed his way, quickly tucking it away into his saddlebag. He laughed at the incredulous look Kili was giving him and proceeded to catch another bag coming from behind.

"I said you were never wrong, didn't I?"

"Give him a pony!"

They both looked forward at their uncle's call, and at the hobbit standing still as the Company passed him by, protesting the need for a ride and stating something about his feet being in perfectly good condition to walk. The brothers shared a look and a mischievous grin spread across Kili's face at the dangerous look in Fili's eyes. They shared a nod and nudged their ponies forward, simultaneously reaching for Bilbo and hoisting him into the air by his arms. He soon found himself situated on Myrtle, a shaggy little mare who, Kili had a feeling would grow on their burglar.

By evening they had left the Shire and stretched out further into Eriador, following The Great East Road at a distance, which would take them almost straight through to the Misty Mountains. But now, they had stopped and were unpacking for the night, further from their path than Kili thought was safe, but he trusted their uncle to know what he was doing. Or he tried to, at least. From the looks of the hushed argument their King Under the Mountain was holding with Gandalf, they were either very lost, or Thorin was being very stubborn about something more than likely simple. It was something that ran in the line of Durin, no mistake. His mother was the most _impossible _dwarrowdam in all of the Blue Mountains when she wanted to be, and her boys took right after her, able to place a solid furrowed glower to their brows that usually had the recipient of their gaze shifting uncomfortably by the time they were only waist high.

And that condescending glare was fitted on Thorin's face now, a perfect mold of argumentative pout that gave room for no confliction as he held a steady gaze up through his eyelashes, refusing to look up at his adversary.

Stubborn indeed.

Kili could not help the smile that came to his face at his uncle's childish behavior and he fought it back down, busying himself with unsaddling and watering his pony. He tethered her next to Fili's pony and far away from Dwalin's. That creature had as much bite and patience as her rider, which was a lot and little of both.

He sighed as Gandalf made his way over, an angry twitch in his eye and a stomp in his gate as he commandeered his horse before it could be taken care of. Kili couldn't help but feel exasperated as the wizard took off, now what were they supposed to do? Not that he didn't trust in Thorin's leadership skills, this was _his _Company after all. He was born with the natural ability to lead those around him and it was easy to put your utmost faith and trust in him, to keep you and your family safe. Now, be that as it may, Thorin had a hopeless sense of direction and constantly found himself turned around in the small backwoods near their house in Ered Luin. How, exactly, he was supposed to get them wherever they were going without Gandalf, the only other one completely sure of the path they must take, without getting them lost, he had no idea.

Fili had almost the same wary expression he wore himself and they shared a glance, both surely thinking the same things, and both desperately hoping that the wizard would be back by morning.

Kili shrugged at his brother, more than used to their uncle's antics upsetting someone, and not at all surprised it has already happened not a day into the journey. He spotted Bilbo over Fili's shoulder as his brother went about his business, and felt a swirl of pity in his stomach for the hobbit, unsure of what to do or where to stand so he would not be in the way, clutching Myrtle's reigns in one hand and leading her back and forth across the camp.

Kili gave his pony one last pat and circled around her, making a beeline for their burglar.

"Mr. Boggins," he grinned cheerily, clasping a hand on his shoulder from behind. The poor creature startled violently and spun around, tangling his arms in the reigns and nearly tripping himself. Kili's grin turned sheepish and he helped the hobbit untangle his knobbly limbs.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," he said in a lower tone, one of a more normal volume. "You seemed at a bit of a loss so I was only wondering if you wanted me to show you how to untack and tether your pony."

Bilbo's eyes were wide as he blinked at the young dwarf, looking like he was waiting for the rest of a joke to be told, or quite unsure whether he should believe that that was all he wanted.

Kili shifted and after a moment opened his mouth to say nevermind but Bilbo smiled and he paused. It was only a small smile, one he didn't think to have any mirth of any kind behind it.

"Well, thank you, Master Kili. Your offer is greatly appreciated," he said politely.

Kili grinned once more, taking Myrtle's reigns and leading her and her rider over to a vacant post. "Please, just call me Kili. You can save 'Master' for one of these old clods around here," he joked, nodding towards the rough camp that was coming together, where the others were bustling about.

Bilbo chuckled, watching as Kili undid the saddle girth and slid it from Myrtle's back, hefting it over one of the rails. The hobbit patted her now bare and sweaty back, making a face at the unexpected moisture and hesitantly wiping it off on his trousers.

"Yes, I suppose. Mast-...Kili, can I ask you a question?" he gave the prince a curious look and the dwarf raised an eyebrow, showing that he was listening.

"Well, I suppose that this is not a very relevant question by any means, and I mean no offense to you at all, and if it's too personal then feel free to say so because I intend no-"

"Bilbo, it's alright," he laughed, "Ask away."

Bilbo pursed his lips, thinking just how he wanted to phrase his question.

"You are...the youngest in the Company, correct?"

Kili nodded, tying off Myrtle's harness and dusting his hands together, curious as to what the hobbit wanted to know.

"Aye," he agreed, done with his task and turning to Bilbo fully, leaning against the slightly unstable fence behind him.

"Then who...I mean, you are related to Fili? Your names rhyme so I can only assume, but you look nothing alike so I honestly have no idea..." he trailed off, his eyes dropping at the frown on Kili's face.

"Yes, he is my brother," Kili took a breath and sighed. Bilbo was only trying to be friendly and gain a sense of his new companions' lives, because he fit in nowhere in this new group, and he was lonely. Kili could greatly sympathize, and understood where the hobbit was coming from. So he smiled and clasped an arm around his shoulders, leading him back towards the now roaring fire and the dwarves chatting around it.

"We don't look very much alike, that is true, and everyone says that out of the two of us I hold more resemblance to Thorin."

"Thorin?" Bilbo squeaked. "And he is your...?"

"Uncle," Kili looked at where his mother's brother was seated by the fire, talking with Dwalin and Balin.

"Oh," Bilbo's gaze followed Kili's before he looked away, down at his bare feet as they walked over the stones and sticks back to camp.

They walked in companionable silence for a moment before Bilbo faltered and Kili stopped, looking at him in question and with slight concern.

"What is the matter, Bilbo?" He asked gently, laying a hand on his shoulder. "I know that something is wrong, and don't worry, you can tell me what it is. I have no desire to make fun of you for being out of your element here."

Bilbo hesitated, fisting his tunic and biting his lip, clearly unhappy about something or other.

"I apologize, I'm not very good at expressing myself," he chuckled lamely. Kili waited, watching him expectantly but patiently, understanding fully the need to talk but feeling as if you were unable to.

"It's just that, I know we are barely into this journey and all, but..." he looked up at Kili, his face scrunched in sadness. "I don't see how this will work out, my being here. I don't know the next thing when it comes to burglarizing or thieving or fighting or even unsaddling my own pony!" He gestured harshly back towards Myrtle but there was no malice in his stature, only despair at being helpless.

"And when something comes along, attacking us out of the blue, I just don't think I could do it! I'm not...not a warrior like the rest of you. I can't hardly defend myself let alone the rest of the Company, when the time comes. I'm just a burden."

It was understandable, his worries and doubts, but Kili was surprised that he had come to the conclusion that he was useless so quickly into the trip. Had the others been talking about him when they thought he was not listening? Kili looked back at the camp and saw Fili watching them, curiosity in his eyes and he raised an eyebrow in question when he saw his younger brother looking back. Kili frowned a little and turned back to Bilbo, the smaller creature looked a bit ashamed at having confessed his worries to someone he barely knew. But Kili had a feeling that they were kindred spirits and perhaps the hobbit had a similar feeling as well.

"I understand how you feel, Bilbo. If you haven't noticed by now, then you will eventually, but I'm not like the other dwarves." Kili swallowed, bowing his head a little as he admitted something he never thought he would say to another being. But Bilbo needed it, and maybe, just a little, he did too.

"I've always been different, _felt _different from my family growing up. I was never good with an hammer or axe, I'm terrible at mining and couldn't work a smithy to save my life," he laughed softly, remembering his disastrous first time in the forge with his uncle. He's pretty sure Thorin still has the scars.

"But in time, I found that shooting a bow came easy to me, so much easier than wielding a sword, and I'm best at strategy and algorithms, not fighting." Kili motioned to the camp with a hand, "Most of us have never seen a true battle, have never been in a fight. This is poor Ori's first time leaving Ered Luin at all! But it is true, that we have been trained in ways you have not."

Bilbo's face fell and he nodded solemnly, nudging a rock with his foot.

"But that does not mean you are a burden. Like all things, your courage will come to you in time, as will your ability to stand up for yourself. Don't let others put you down, words will only hold the power you let them. Instead, embrace what you _can_ do, you are sensible and smart and eventually they will all see that, but not if you don't push yourself to be all that you can be."

Bilbo had looked back to him and his eyes were suspiciously bright, even as the sun began dipping down behind the trees and dusk pulled in.

"We will all learn to see you as the noble burglar you are. And just as you've learned to unsaddle your pony, you will learn to fight. It's much easier than it looks." Kili smiled and turned towards camp, waving for Bilbo to follow. "Now come on, lets get some food before Bombur decides we aren't hungry."

The watery eyed hobbit scuffled after him, hastily rubbing his red-tipped nose as he fell into stride with ease.

"I guess you're right, Kili," Bilbo agreed softly, the slouch in his shoulders having disappeared along with the uncertain shuffle to his walk. He still kept his head down but it would rise in time.

"That's another thing you'll learn about me, Bilbo," the princeling grimaced wryly, "I'm usually never wrong."

"Oh?" Now curiously gazing up at the dark haired dwarf, Bilbo blinked questioningly and waited for an elaboration but only received a rueful grin and another pat on the shoulder.

Kili spoke little after that, as he and the hobbit rejoined the chattering Company around the fire. He did complain about his dinner now being cold and was only told that he shouldn't doddle around and waste time by his brother, who also stated the importance of food, as he so often did when Kili was late for a meal. The younger of the two only rolled his eyes and offered the unappealingly stale stew to Bombur who readily downed it in what was probably a record time and skillfully tossed the empty bowl on top of the pile that was waiting to be washed and repacked for tomorrows leave.

They all cheered and laughed, and a warmth that did not belong to the fire filled Kili, and he knew that this journey would be good for him. He had doubted it before, thought that nothing would change the way he felt or make him one of the group, but maybe he would be alright. He just had to spend time with them and be a dwarf, and perhaps the wind and the woods would finally leave him be, and he could be the prince of Erabor he was meant to.

"Hey, what's tha'?"

The Company paused in their chatter and all looked to where Bofur was pointing, towards the distance through the trees. Kili could clearly see a small golden light, that of another fire, deep within the trees. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and the air was suddenly chilled, raising goosebumps on his forearms. A dark whisper was heard at the treeline, having previously been blocked out by the dwarves' conversation and laughter, and Kili shivered at the warning they gave off, telling him to stay out of the woods.

"It looks like a fire," Nori squinted hard and moved his head around, trying to get a better angle to identify it.

"Perhaps it's someone's camp?" Bilbo supplied, sounding tiny and frail. The all looked at their Burglar, surprised he had spoken up at all. "Maybe there's someone else out there..."

They started to whisper and Thorin exchanged a glance with Balin before muttering with Dwalin in a voice too low for Kili to hear.

And then their king spoke up, and the words that came out of his mouth almost had the voice in Kili's ind screaming in protest.

"Then perhaps you should go and see, Master Baggins."

Bilbo's face deadpanned and his mouth dropped open slightly, at any other time it would have been comical but at this moment, it was anything _but _amusing.

"I-I-"

"Why not?" Thorin crossed his arms and leaned back, gazing levelly at the stuttering creature. "If you are to be our burglar than I daresay you need all of the practice you can get."

And now that Thorin was being cruelly logical the rest of the group seemed fit to agree, voicing their opinions on how he should go about his sneaking.

Bilbo was beyond flustered, trying to dissuade them with anything that would come to mind, but apparently that wasn't much. He locked eyes with Kili and frowned, as if thinking, and then the fear and uncertainty was replaced with a determination from out of nowhere.

"Alright," he said, standing up. "If I can prove something to you then I'll do it."

Kili's empty stomach felt like he had swallowed a brick and he almost choked on the lump in his throat. He mentally berated himself for telling Bilbo that his chance would come to prove himself, because this was most definitely not what he had meant.


End file.
